just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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