Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
