My vagina just recognized that song.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
