I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
love makes seman taste better
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
BRING THE BAGELS
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