I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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