ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
