Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
