The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
