I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
