I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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