Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
My bed smells like the plague
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
