This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
