I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
this hospital has no fireball
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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