I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
