I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
