everyone is single if you try hard enough
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
