Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
My balls are so social today.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
