take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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