she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Randomize
