How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
