I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
