she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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