I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
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