let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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