My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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