I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
