I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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