If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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