look no pants
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
