I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
