I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
