so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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