I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
