would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
