is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
