it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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