I need to stop coming to work sober
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
