3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Your face is a jimmy john
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
