In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Randomize
