can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize