I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize