he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
