P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
