it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I didn't notice because vodka
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize