Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
