we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
