but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
