before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I cut my penus on the lid.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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