as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
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