Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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