worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
