I'm so fucking centered right now
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
