Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize