her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
