Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Randomize
