so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
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