If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
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