So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
