I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
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