i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize