he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
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