I was born with a shot glass in my hand
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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