Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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