opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Randomize
