Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
it was like eating out sand paper
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize