I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
