his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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