I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Randomize