hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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