The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Come on in and take your pants off
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