i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
ugly people sure do ruin things
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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