she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
